we have pet lesbian snakes
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
