he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
