I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
