Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
