I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
