How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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