i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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