Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize