theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize