Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
