I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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