I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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