chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
