why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
