Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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