lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
