last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
