I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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