I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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