he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
