Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
