Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
