cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
