i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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