I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
