kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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