Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
