Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
