some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
