I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
