I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
