my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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