I want to make a zoo with you.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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