its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i drank out of a bidet.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize