When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
