I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
