ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
In America we eat man semen.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
