Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
either way he was missing a nipple.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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