Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
