I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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