My Higher Power is John Stamos
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
