so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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