Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
