I should be sponsored by Trojan
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize