legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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