true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
