She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
