just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
