You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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