Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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