Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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