He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
