Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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