planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
