you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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