omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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