Already got asked if we're dating
I wish I could punch you in the face.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
