Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I need to align my fucking chakras
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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