I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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