i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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