new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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