I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
