Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So vagazzling was a success
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
