Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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