He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
