is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
