erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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